Gone but not forgotten

[Beachbumcook]

CAFORDDUDE,

In post #5 you mentioned that your inlaws have stood by you and watch the kids.... please.... just remember that blood is thicker than water!!!

No reason to cut the kids of from Grandma and Grandpa and it sounds like they all have a good relationship, but as parents, they feel the same obligation to your wife (ex-wife) as you do to your kids.

Any strategy of how you will fight her, what your asking for and the like... do not tell it to your in-laws unless you are trying to "feed her information or miss-information".

I am very sorry to hear of the problems your wife is having and the hardship it is causing you. I would just keep doing your job and doing the best you can with and for your kids. Sounds like Grandma and Grandpa are there to support you, but it may be only for the kids sake... which is OK... but we all hear how some inlaws will enable the taking of kids from one parent to another. What I am saying is.... "trust... but verify".

Best of luck,

Jeff

 

[lenny1carl]

i wasn't going to reply to this thread, not because i don't feel for you Ca but because i feel too much for you. but i guess i should try.
your loss is different than mine but no less painful for you. and because of that you have my deepest hopes that you can find that spot someday that the hurt eases. but i offer this, she chose this path. that's no reflection on you. you've got nothing to feel guilty for.
hell, you're in this place manning up about the confusion and sense of loss. but remember, she's still out there. this is in no way a shot at you, but as long as there is life there is hope. i don't have that aspect.
do what you need to now. heal, recover, cope... whatever it takes to get through the day. many many days, since she died, i wished Nancy had left me for someone else. at least i'd know she was still Here.
get through this rough time. her family is hanging with you. that means more than you know down the road. don't feel guilty for this. i've done the guilt thing from the day we got the diagnosis. it doesn't help.
again, my hopes for you finding a good spot soon. be strong and keep talking

 

[CaFordDude]

The further along I go in this the more disapointed I become in the human race, specifically the ones that belong in my (our) families gene pool. There were at least 2 people in our family that had an idea what was going on and never said a word to anybody.

I don't know if them saying something in 2005 would have made a difference or not. BUT it would have at least been a starting point before she became so entrenched in this lifestyle she is living. The lies she is living, the deciet she is living.

I feel that if something would have been said at that point some of this hurt could have been prevented, again not saying we would have gone along happy go lucky because the results may have in fact been the same. Some of the outlying relationships and friendships may have been spared the hurt.

I feel for her losses, she has yet to realize the extent of the damage she has done and I don't know if she ever will.

 

[CaFordDude]

Well last week she agreed to ditch her lawyer and sit down and work stuff out. Not our marriage but the division of the kids, property etc... I told her no further discussion can occur until she is no longer represented. She is supposed to be at the attorney's office as we speak giving him the boot. If she does give him the boot we have a pretty good agreement worked out. If she does not give him the boot then it will be off to court we go (In May). The attorney I have consulted with has more credentials then some folks have personalities. She is generally regarded as one of the best in the Inland Empire. My wife's attorney is not bad but is a general practice attorney. Mine only does Family law, is one of 8 Certified Family Law Specialists in the county of Riverside and sits as a Judge Pro Tem in Family Court, meaning she hears and rules on cases when judges are on vacation.

I hate to be going through this but if I am if we can at least agree on things and not spend my hard earned money on attorneys and courts that would be great.


SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

[Brian_B]

Hopefully, you can work things out without the lawyers. Just make sure it is legal and binding (whatever you work out). It will save a ton of money too. It might help the kids to see you dealing with each other on good terms (well..as good as can be).

My X wanted me to sell the house and give her half (which I owned before I ever met her), plus $10,000 in cash, and almost everything in the home (even the stuff I owned before I met her).

Oh..she said I could keep my truck. Guess what? It was not even in my name at the time. She could not have taken it if she tried.

The list goes on, but I hired a lawyer to stop her. I agreed to letting her have almost everything we bought after the marriage (no tools or anything like that) and no money.

It didn't take long for her to agree when the lawyer sued her for palimony. She was working and I was on disability. She knew she would end up paying me a lot of money if she fought me on that one.

 

[polarbear]

Hope it all works out- without the atttorneys taking everything you guys have worked to accumulate.

 

[kw5413]

Mine only does Family law, is one of 8 Certified Family Law Specialists in the county of Riverside and sits as a Judge Pro Tem in Family Court, meaning she hears and rules on cases when judges are on vacation.

Shock and awe baby.

SHOCK

&

AWE​

 

[Kep4]

Stay strong Aaron and try to remember that you're not the person with the problem. Focus on the kids and being positive and supportive of them, they'll like that coming from Dad.

I went down that same road in 1991.

Russ

 

[CaFordDude]

It is truely amazing to me how supportive a group of folks I have never met or even talked to (Except for Ernie) has and can be.

You guys ROCK!

 

[Gunner]

Thanks for all the support folks.

It is a very strange place I am in right now. I have these very two distinct and different sets of feelings right now.

In my mind I can reason that the marriage is over as her words and actions all indicate she has no desire to reconcile. I understand that and to that end am taking the necessary steps to protect myself and my kids. IE filing for divorce, consulting with an attorney, seeing a counsler etc...

In my heart on the other hand I can not understand why she does not want to make this work. As stupid as this sounds when we got married and took those vows they meant something to me. I grew up and never had anything to offer anyone but my word, my bond. My word is who I am. It is who I am in my personal life and it is who I am in my professional life. In police work if your word is not good then you might as well hang up the sam browne and pick another profession as you will never have a case go to trial. I mean seriously fellas, if I go to the grocery store and they forget to charge me for something I go back in and pay for it, if my daughter finds $1 in the parking lot I make her go turn it in. That is how much my word and my honesty means to me. I guess that is what makes it so hard for me to understand when someone else's word does not mean the same to them, especially when that other person is my wife.

I sit here now listening to my kids play in the shower, probably spraying the bathroom with water that will take me an hour to clean up and wonder why anyone would give this up. Those without kids may not be able to understand but if you have kids you surely do. I would trade 1000 raises, 10,000 promotions, and even my dream of being a K9 officer to be home with them more. And I did give up that dream when I changed departments. I was on the short list and told them no thank you because of my family, because it would take me away from home more then I cared to be away.

It is hard to express my passion for my family in typed words, with no facial expression to see or inflection to hear or body language to read but it is there. When people ask me what I do for fun I tell them spend time with my family. I have sacraficed and will continue to sacrifice my own wants and desires for my family. My feelings, wants, desires needs will always be second to them, at least for me.

You guys have been a better outlet then you can probably ever imagine.

I believe you just wrote out the definition of integrety.

Gunner

 

[Gunner]

As I said somewhere else. I hate being the bigger person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is nowhere near the size of your problem, but let me expound.

Right now I'm on the second job of these jobs in Arkansas. After all the bs thats coming out of the office, since August no less, I made up my mind in the middle of February to quit and go looking for a better job. I did just that (went looking for a job, and found a better one, too), but the human resources person at the company I was going to took the last three days of february off, so instead of being able to quit, they were slow on the draw and I didn't get the word that I'd been approved to go to work till three days after I got out here on another one of these Arkansas nightmares.

Now, I COULD have said "screw you" and walked right then and there, knowing I had a better job making better money. Everything in me was SCREAMING to peel out of here and let them have this mess. It still is. I've been out here 32 days, doing them a good job and accomplishing the mission. Do I WANT to be here? No I damn sure DON'T. SHOULD I peel out of here? YES I damn well SHOULD. Am I going to? No I damn well won't. Why? Because as screwed up as the company I work for right now has become, they didn't start out that way. And they have been good to me. I owe them my best shot, ONE more time. Thats the way this has to be done.

As I see it, thats the boat that you're in man, except that the stakes are a LOT higher for you than for me. I got a wife and responsibilities, yeah, but if my job thing doesn't work, well, I got a fallback and can find work.

YOU on the other hand, IMO, are a ROLE MODEL to your youngsters. Now, more than EVER, they need you to do the right thing, as much as it galls you to do it. Why? Because one parent has already bailed on them..........basicly decided HER wellbeing is more important that YOURS, or, more importantly, her KIDS. They may not look it, or show it, but they're definately wondering what is going on. They need you now more than they've EVER needed you before, to do the right thing, and be the good upstanding person that you are. You have one of the best, most responsible positions in the whole wide world. You're a DADDY. You're the hero to your kids. Hero's have courage. And the definition of courage is: Knowing what you have to do, fearing it, or loating it, and saddleing up and doing it anyway. You're a cop. You do that EVERY day when you go out in the world. You're better equipped than a lot of us FOR courage, because it's part of your job toolkit. You know you have it in you to show your kids the courage and the leadership and the love to guide them out of this rought time in you guys' lives.

You said up top that you hate being the bigger person. I don't think you do. I read in another post about a bathroom awash in water and childrens giggles. The bigger person commented on that. The smaller one has bailed out, and missed that love. Now, who do you think got the better end of THAT deal for being the BIGGER person?

I think you did, don't you?

Stick to your guns man and I hope this helps. Let me know if you need to talk, or rant, or whatever. You'll get a sympethic, but an HONEST ear, if you want one. Thats all I can offer you, but you're welcome to it anytime you need it.

Gunner

 

[CaFordDude]

Thank You.

 

[john112deere]

Aaron- I don't know how old your children are, but I'll just say this:

When I was around 13, my mother left my father. The situation was somewhat different than yours, but I felt a great deal of resentment toward my mother at the time.

I'm 19 now, and over the last six years, I've come to terms with things being as they are.

Looking back, one of the biggest things that sticks with me is that my father never gave in to the anger he must have felt toward my mother, at least in front of me or my sister. I never heard him curse her, or say unkind things about her or her choices. I think a hell of a lot of him for that, and I think that it helped me come to terms with the situation and my mother more quickly.

Just my $.02, take it for what it's worth.

 

[Gunner]

Thank You.

Just part of the smiling Texaco service, man

Gunner

 

[6L PWR]

Sheeesh, where is everyone finding these Holiday Inn Expresses at???

Gunner, all I can say is wow! I wish I could get the words to come out the way you have.

john112deere, to you a wow also. You seem aweful mature for only 19 years!

 

[mrfixit]

Aaron,
It's not wrong to love, even when love wants to abandon you or cause you grief. 28 years ago, I was married to a woman I truly cared about. we had two kids, but honestly, we were both too young. Our schooling wasn't complete, and I had to drop out because I couldn't handle work and school together. She and I lived in the So Cal area for a while, but she was so miserable there; I agreed we would move to her native oregon.
Getting work there was even tougher than I had imagined, and I wound up working in a truck tire shop for close to minimum wage. I put my heart and soul into it tho, as it was work, and at least paid the bills. After our second son was born, I took on a second job because now there were additional bills. One day, straight out of the blue, my main job at the tire shop came to an end when the boss announced he was closing. For the next two months I WALKED from place to place looking for work, but the economy was in a real bad way back then, especially for someone with limited experience. I finally made the decision, supposedly alongside my wife, that I needed to go back to So Cal and get work; it was the only way I KNEW that I could find a decent job. So I went.
On my second day back home, I found a good job in a lumberyard. I would send my money to my wife, and at first we talked every day...
then she became less available. I would call and she wasn't there or in the shower, but didn't return my calls. eventually it got to the point I knew she was just avoiding talking to me. Then I get a letter: she moved out of our house and in with her parents, who had been a thorn in my side from the day I got there. I knew that would be the beginning of the end, as they would poison her against me. I knew I stood the chance of losing my boys. still, I sent the money, and trusted God to help make it right.
One day, at work, I got my divorce papers. My boss knew I'd be crushed, He knew all about my situation, my love for her and my concerns, and offered for me to take the rest of the day off. I stayed. I mean, sure, I could have gone home and tried to get over it, but I also knew these folks around me had been very encouraging and supportive all along.
In the weeks that followed, all communication from her ended. My letters got returned unopened, gifts for the boys were sent back. I kept every one of those things for the next 20 years, plus made notes of every call I tried to make. It was like they wanted me completely gone.
A very good friend I had grown up with had been raised in a broken home, his parents constantly battling over him and pulling him one side or the other. I have vivid memories of how he would complain that he wished they would just leave him alone instead of fighting over him. THis, combined with the love I STILL HAD for my wife, brought me to a decision that not many people understood... I decided it was best to not put them through a fight like that. I knew she loved those boys, and I KNEW God would let the truth be known to them. I still sent the money, still wrote, and for the remaining years of their childhood, I never got to see them or speak to them. One time my brother went to their HOME even, and was chased away at gunpoint. My parents kept telling me to SUE them... but for what? to make their lives a living hell? that's not love, that's possessive.
Fast forward to six years ago. I was in a bank in Webb City, Missouri, cashing a check. The teller sees my name and starts asking questions about my past (he asked permission first, lol). He asked if I had relatives in oregon, and I said yes. he asked if their names were Phillip and Nate. I said,yes. He asked what the relationship was.... I had to pause... I had no idea what I was in for, and said, "I'm Their Father". His eyes got wide, and all of a sudden he started babbling about 90 miles an hour about how amazing this was, that the whole family was out here for the wedding, that Mary and her folks... and I interrupted..."Wedding? who? what?" he says, "Phillip. He's married". I said "In missouri?" and he said "well YEAH, he lives here...In webb city!" I was stunned. Turns out my son had been living in a house for the previous two years that I drove by every day on my way to work. I wrote a quick note, and left it with him to give to Phillip. He waited a bit to give it to him; I don't know just why, but after two weeks I thought, well.... maybe he doesn't want to see me. Then one day while I was on the road, my wife called me to tell me there was a message on the machine... from Phillip. He'd like to come meet me.
We got together, and as it turns out those boys were told I was dead, that I had taken the family fortune and run away and died in california.
I gave Phillip every letter I had, and he called his brother to let him know... I met his brother Nate in oregon a couple weeks later. Those two boys are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. According to phillip, his mother finally broke down and told him the truth when confronted.
I know your wife does not have your kids.... and she is lost right now... but regardless of how dark it seems, stand firm in your faith. You don't necessarily have to be the BIGGER man, you just have to do what is RIGHT, and that is to care for those kids, love them, protect them, and protect their memory of their mother as well. She may be going thru things we have no knowledge of... even a mental illness. Just do the right thing, one day at a time. God WILL take care of the rest.

 

[CaFordDude]

That's a great story Tom.

I hope my wife tries as hard as you did to stay in these kids lives.

If not though I will go on and so will these kids lives.

Thanks again to everyone for the support. Despite some other professional setbacks as of late we seem to be getting the divorce paperwork in order and hope to have it filed by the end of next week. (divorce was filed on Feb 28 but I mean the settlement paperwork)

 

[O'Rattlecan]

keep chuggin, Aaron. I can tell you're the type of guy that would be able to handle it better than 99% of us.

Ryan

 

[CaFordDude]

Rascal Flatts: My Wish
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walking till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...​

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.​

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, ​

and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.
But More than anything, yeah, more than anything...​

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah. ​

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. ​

 

[Gunner]

Hey Aaron

Haven't seen any new posts from you lately. How goes the battle? Remember we're here swinging for you man. Let us know how you're doing

Gunner