Gone but not forgotten

[mrfixit]

That's right, man... hope all is well!

 

[CaFordDude]

Well the battle rages on so to speak.

We are at least talking and trying to settle things a bit. We have agreed on everything from child custody to division of assets. She originally had an attorney but I convinced her to drop him so we could save some money AND get this worked out between us. I asked her what she needed an attorney for when I offered to give her whatever she wanted. So anyways, we did go to a paralegal to get all the paperwork drawn up proper and the paperwork will be ready for final signatures and notorazation this coming week.
The short version is as follows:
1) She is moving to minneapolis to be with her boyfriend
2) joint legal custody of the kids and I get sole physical custody She wanted 1 month during the summer, 1 week at christmas, 1 week at easter and every other thanksgiving for visitation
3) She gets her 04 suburban and 04 travel trailer (Both paid off & debt free)
4) I get to keep my truck
5) I get the house and agree to give her $10,000 cash out of it as payment for her share
6) She gets to keep her business in it's entirety
7) She took a laundry list of posessions from the house (But I can live without them or replace them)
8) I agree to pay her $400 a month for alimoney starting this month and ending June 08. In exchange for that low figure and short term I agreed to request NO child support from her.
9) I carry vehicle and medical insurance on her until the divorce is final and of course carry it on the kids
10) I keep my retirement/401K package and he keeps her mutual funds.

That's about it. I could name her list of stuff she wanted to take from the house but it's not important. I am doing better with the situation as a whole, though it is still tough sometimes. I am trying to get myself back into some of the things I had given up during the marriage for various reasons. Trying to find a routine that is going to work for me and the kids. The kids are doing ok. They know Michelle and I are not living together but they don't know all the details of what she did. They will figure those things out on their own eventually.

I know that in the end I am going to be ok and these kids are going to grow up just fine. Michelle is going to miss out on a lot of things. I am not sure she even realizes the consequences of her decision yet. Someday she will and will reget what she did. She will have to work hard to rebuild her relationship with the kids. Consequences or rewards, every decision has one of them.

 

[O'Rattlecan]

my blessings, aaron. I hope the 'situation' is a speedy one and things get back on track to that routine you were talking about.

Ryan

 

[CaFordDude]

Forgiveness: the act of excusing a mistake or offense,
The act of forgiving; pardon

 

[mrfixit]

I've been praying for you daily, man. Those kids are gonna need alot of healing too... you may not be able to REPLACE her for them, but you can certainly be a source of strength and comfort for them.

 

[Kep4]

Aaron, when I went through marriage counseling during my first marriage, my counselor told me something I'll never forget.

Pain, growth, joy.

We suffer through and endure the pain. From that pain comes personal growth, we learned from the pain. We can then experience joy because we have learned about ourselves.

Forgiveness is part of growth, then you can move on with your life and experience the joy you truly deserve.

Hang in there Brother.

Russ

 

[CaFordDude]

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1) The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2) He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,

3) he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4) Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

5) You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

6) Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

I don't know how many of you folks are believers but I have an amazing story to tell when I get a few minutes to type it out. So there is no suspense, no my wife and I did not get back together.

But I have an amazing story none the less.

 

[O'Rattlecan]

I'll be checking in regularly waiting to hear it.

God can do magnificent things.

Ryan

 

[CaFordDude]

Well guys here it goes….

As the story goes you all know that my wife had an affair in 2005 and is currently having an affair with a different individual. One of the things that had bothered me throughout my ordeal was that I felt there were several people that knew “something” was going on and never said anything. That bothered me and still does. I told myself that I was not going to let the spouses of these other two men be in the same boat as me. The current affair spouse knew about it and contacted me early on in this. But I had never contacted the first even though I had the tools to do it.

This past week I set up an anonymous email account and sent “Ryan” (First guys name) an email. The email was 3 lines.

“Have you been honest with your wife?
Was Michelle the only one?
I know the truth.”

Ryan is a computer forensics geek that does contract work for the government. I knew this and probably subconsciously knew he would figure it out.

Easter Sunday rolls around and I go to church and hear a great message about Easter and how it is not “Just” a day about Jesus rising from the dead but rather it is the day that validates the Christian religion. The day God proved he could overcome ANYTHING including death. It is the day that means the bible is not just a collection of stories.

Get home from church and almost immediately a phone starts ringing. I think it is that of my in laws but it is not. Early on in this ordeal I had taken my wife’s cell phone away insisting I was not going to pay for her to talk to her boyfriend. The phone had been in the gunsafe, OFF, for weeks. I open the safe and sure enough the phone is ON and ringing. I look at the number and recognize what part of the country it is coming from. Virginia, home of Ryan. The phone stops ringing and a voicemail is left. Says something to the effect of hey it’s Ryan give me a call I need to talk to you. I am instantly furious. As I hold the phone in my hand I can hear it start to pop as I squeeze it tighter and tighter in an effort to crush it.
I am so angry that this person dared to call my home on Easter Sunday of all days. That I do the insane…I call him back. He answers the phone, I identify myself..and stunned silence on the other end. He explains that he had gotten two strange emails and was able to trace them back to Temecula. He wanted to know if it was me or Michelle. I told him it was me. I confronted him about the affair and he initially tried to deny it but after we cut the bullshit and I explained my evidence he admitted to it.
We talked for almost 1 ½ hours. He explained a lot of things to me like the fact that his wife had, had an affair approx 5 years ago and he was angry and trying to get back at her when he had the affair with Michelle. That even though he knew it was wrong he still did it out of spite and revenge to his wife. He has two small boys also. He ended the affair in late 05 in an effort to work on his marriage.
At this point I did something that I still marvel at. I told Ryan I forgave him for what he had done to me. He told me he did not know what to say and I told him there was nothing to say as my forgiveness had no strings attached or conditions to meet. I asked him if he had forgiven his wife for the affair she had on him and he told me he had not. He told me he did not know if he could ever forgive her. I told him that she desperately wanted his forgiveness even if she never asked for it. I told him that if he did not forgive her his marriage was surly doomed. She would eventually stop trying and move on, not wanting to live with that guilt or pressure any longer. I told him that today (Easter Sunday) was a special day. It was the day Jesus rose from the dead giving us all salvation and everlasting life. It was the day Jesus was reborn. I told him he needed to use this day to rebirth his marriage. That today could be the day his marriage was reborn and made everlasting. I told him he needed to forgive his wife, be honest with himself and that they needed to individually and together seek Gods mercy and forgiveness if they had any hope of saving their marriage. I know he travels for business and I asked him what it felt like to not see his two boys for a few days even though he knew he would be home soon enough. And asked him what he thought it would feel like to not see his boys for a few weeks or months and not know when he would see them again. He was silent on the phone. I told him that along with the forgiveness he needed to offer his wife, he needed to have a funeral in his head for Michelle. I told him for it to be successful he could never ever talk to her again, she was his poison apple and would be the person he ran to when times got tough.
We ended the conversation by him thanking me again for forgiving him, telling me how sorry he was for what he had done and that I had given him a lot to think about.
I hung up thinking “Who the hell was that, that was doing all that talking” This man should be my sworn enemy and here I was ministering to him, counseling him, helping him to save his marriage. The words I had for him are not fit for print. The words I spoke to him could only have come from God. Only his compassion and caring could have given me the strength to do what I did, to talk like I talked.

On Monday I get an email from him in my anonymous acct. He asks me for a legit email address stating he has some things he would like to tell me. I give him my email address and later in the day I get the following email from him.

“Aaron,

A couple of things...

First, as I thought about what you said to me yesterday, it occurred to me that you said things like "5 or 6 times" and stuff about her trip to Virginia. When my wife cheated on me, I had no details and had to imagine or make up the details I didn't know. At the time I really wanted to know, but I am not sure now if it really would been the best thing. However, for what it's worth, some of the stuff you said just isn't right... It was not five or six times, less than that. And when she came to visit her cousin, I told you I gave her a ride several times, but I also took her to dinner (as a friend) and refused to come to into her hotel after dinner because I was trying to work on things with my wife and told her she needed work on things with you. I told her she was making things difficult and complicated, and she wasn't doing herself any favors either.

Second, I kept my promise yesterday. My wife and I sat down and talked for long time. I told her that I had never really forgiven her for cheating on me. I told her that I was not without my own sins, but I let what she did hang over my head and weigh on her for five years because I didn't understand her reasons for doing what she did. She tried to explain it to me, and it made some sense. She was feeling trapped... We got married too young and she felt like she never had a chance to live her life. She said a lot more, but suffice to say it was enlightening. I gave her my forgiveness, the same way you gave me yours yesterday. We also talked about recommitting ourselves to trying to make our marriage work, and work on not letting our issues affect the kids.

Anyway, I felt I owed it to you to tell you I made good on my promise to forgive my wife, and seek forgiveness from God for my part in what happened. Again, I am sorry... And, again, per our conversation, Michelle is purged from everything. She is blocked on my messenger, I deleted any contacts I have for her, etc.

I know none of this really makes amends for what happened, but it is a start as I try to get myself right.

-Ryan”

After getting that email I sat in stunned silence. I asked why God had chosen me to help save this mans marriage. This man that for all intents started my marriage down the path it is on now. The only conclusion I can come up with is because he wanted to. God used me to help save this marriage. God gave me the words to help save this marriage. God gave me the courage to not hang up the phone. It also told me that God works on his timeline, not mine.

Throughout this whole ordeal I have tried to remain strong to my faith. This incident put my faith-o-meter on overdrive. It recharged my batteries regarding my faith in God. It also told me that there is a person out in this world that will talk to Michelle. That person will be like I was to Ryan. I do not know when that conversation will happen or what the outcome of that conversation will be but I know it will happen.

 

[O'Rattlecan]

you did a wonderful thing, and I hope everything works out for that troubled couple.

Ryan

 

[Andyman8282]

Sorry to hear about this Aaron, glad you have made the best of it though!

I found something you said interesting... you said "He explains that he had gotten two strange emails and was able to trace them back to Temecula." and beforehand that he was a "computer forensics geek that does contract work for the government." If you made that e-mail account from your home-computer, what he did to find where those e-mails had originated was more than likely a BIG no-no.

 

[mrxlh]

Aaron, the Lord works in mysterious ways. You did not have to do what you did. I commend you for your sincerity. That passage reminds me of another that is very similar yet very different, depending on the circumstances. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death"............I won't finish it, you probably already know it. Just so long as you know the difference is really all that matters. He always knows what your thinking/doing, not that I am questioning you/your judgement. Just something for your to ponder in this unclear time in your life. In the end you will only be judged by one, if you went before the Man today how would you fair? Just want you to keep your head up and stay true to your original cause in all of this...........your kids and your own personal sanity.

 

[mrfixit]

... you said "He explains that he had gotten two strange emails and was able to trace them back to Temecula." and beforehand that he was a "computer forensics geek that does contract work for the government." If you made that e-mail account from your home-computer, what he did to find where those e-mails had originated was more than likely a BIG no-no.

Andy, about two years ago my wife's best friend, a widow, began an online relationship with this "man" from Nigeria. She asked Donna and I what we thought, as her family is very racist. She allowed me access to her emails, and all I did was open them to show full headers, found the originating ISP, and used google to figure out what area they were from. This guy was all over the map, yet claimed to be working for computer time in an internet cafe. Not once did the ISPs match with where he said he was... He made a good many grand overtures trying to win our friendship, and even went so far to throw in scripture at the end of his emails, yet after NUMEROUS attempts by me to get him to explain his lying, he never even so much as addressed it. I suggested she end it. It took her a long time to do so, tho, and he broke her heart even more by talking her out of money for plane tickets then coming up with stories about being incarcerated and missing the flight, or government shutting down all flights... He progressively became more and more an obvious scammer.... and them we found out SHE had pancreatic cancer. from diagnosis she lived six months. But she DID thank me for finding out he was what he was... but it grieved me to see someone so close get taken in by an imposter. If what I did in finding out where he was and who he is was wrong, well, I guess I'll live with that, lol

All that off-topic part done and away with, Aaron, I have heard many preachers claim that God doesn't allow us to go thru these situations by choice, but will work them out to our benefit so long as we remain faithful. As it says in Romans 8:28, "All things work out for good for those that serve the lord, and are called according to his mercy." Often uoted, yet that verse is never fully understood until someone gets broadsided like you were. When I was in college, studying for the ministry, I lost a close cousin to suicide; He sank in despair and took his own life when I, his best friend, was so busy away at college I couldn't be there for him. I blamed myself, let my studies go for years, believing that I was not worthy of ministry when I knew nothing of reaching people who were in financial straits, or marital disaster, or dealing with abusive or addictive loved ones, and never entered full-time ministry. It took me years to realize that satan had blinded my eyes and effectively destroyed my calling. Yet God waited for me to once again become fully aware of who I was IN HIM.... Remember, I said it took me YEARS.... and here you have seen just a small portion of his purposes in just a matter of weeks... It's a blessing in the midst of the storm, my friend. Run with it!

 

[CaFordDude]

what he did to find where those e-mails had originated was more than likely a BIG no-no.

I know in this day of the internet that information is pretty readily available. If he did do something "Questionable" to obtain the info then that will be on him.

All I can say for sure is that I have NEVER used any of the powers I posess in an offical capacity to do anything other then legitimate work.

Thank you guys all for the support you have given me during this time. On Wed. we signed and filed our settlement agrement effectively ending our marriage. Through it all a part of me still want reconcillation, even though it would be a very difficult road. If the opportunity presented itself, before the divorce is final I almost feel obligated to try again. If it came up after the divorce was final it may be a different story...

 

[lenny1carl]

aaron, what you did was devine. i wouldn't or couldn't have acted with your grace. reading your account of the conversation had my seething yet amazed.
i'm honestly proud to know you even if it is just in cyberspace. many can learn from your example.

 

[Fellro]

Any more, it isn't uncommon to be able to track IP's, and is really no different than having caller ID on your phone. As far as I am aware, it is no real big deal to do it, and isn't legislated. Every computer has a different IP address, and it is not really that hard to find them. Anyway, enough on that.
For how the Lord makes things work out, I heavily depend on that to keep my own sanity in the loss of my little girl. I tell myself that it has it's purpose, and that I need to stay on track for her as well. We made the choice to do organ donation, which saved one child's life, as well as improved other's lives. I of course miss my little girl, but I hold on to the faith that it was for a bigger reason.

 

[mrxlh]

For how the Lord makes things work out, I heavily depend on that to keep my own sanity in the loss of my little girl. I tell myself that it has it's purpose, and that I need to stay on track for her as well. We made the choice to do organ donation, which saved one child's life, as well as improved other's lives. I of course miss my little girl, but I hold on to the faith that it was for a bigger reason.

That is the Lords Highest compliment to an individual. None of us here are ready for Gods Kingdom, hence we are still here, your Daughter was. She was so special that God needed Her in Heaven and that should make you a very proud man.

 

[CaFordDude]

Just an update.

Life is still chugging along. Every day gets a bit easier then the last.

On the upside I got a tattoo. I'll post pics after it is done healing.

Ok here it is. Now remember my 7 year old took the pic. It is on my right shoulder blade.

 

[mrfixit]

Just so long as it isn't a big smiley face.

Hi! Welcome to WAL-MART. How may I help you?​

 

[CaFordDude]

That was my second choice Tom.